Unconditional Love: Healthy or Not?
In his interview on the UK publication Mirror, Ed Sheeran stated that “My parents are so in love it’s ridiculous. I kind of look at it like pressure. They’ve cracked it and my grandparents cracked it — but nowadays it’s harder to find that.”
He was talking about his reflected desire to grow old with a partner from his song Thinking Out Loud, which, all of us know it’s talking about a long-term, warm kind of love.
I’d like to say that, in my personal opinion, one of the reasons behind Ed’s parents as well as his grandparents cracked it is unconditional love.
The term unconditional love does not mean love without limits or boundaries. It means, “I offer you my love freely without condition.”
In the purest sense, unconditional love is about caring about the happiness of another person without any concern for how it benefits you.
Loving someone unconditionally means you love someone through hardships, mistakes, and frustrations. But before all that, you must be wondering; is unconditional love healthy?
As a matter of fact, a good relationship requires unconditional love, and yes it is healthy if you set boundaries, being self-aware, and most importantly; you care for yourselves.
1. Set Boundaries
What are the boundaries?
Well, based on the Cambridge dictionary, it’s the limit of what someone considers to be acceptable behavior. I’ll discuss it to another extent later.
The point is, it is not healthy to offer love without boundaries. Unconditional love STILL involves healthy boundaries. For example:
“I love you and support you no matter what. However, we no longer have the finances to help you with your bills.”
“I love you, and I have to take space from you when you speak to me that way.”
Boundaries are a form of being respectful towards your partner, friends, or family. It doesn't mean to control.
As Mark Manson stated in his book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, “People with strong boundaries understand that a healthy relationship is not about controlling one another’s emotions, but rather about each partner supporting the other in their individual growth and in solving their own problems.
It’s not about giving a fuck about everything your partner gives a fuck about. It’s about giving a fuck about your partner regardless of the fucks he or she gives. That’s unconditional love baby.”
2. Self-aware
Just because you love someone with all of your heart, it doesn’t mean they owe you something. They owe you nothing and vice versa. But you do owe yourself safety, respect, and kindness. Being self-aware is important to realize when something is good or bad for you. Never let anything take tolls on yourself.
3. Care for Yourself
To take care of your own needs and safety, you can walk away from people that you have loved very much. Sometimes people can be toxic because everyone has the ability to do so.
You can be away from a person and still love them. When you realize that you started to get drained from having a relationship with some people, please do take space and give yourself time.
Well then, how do we love someone unconditionally?
First of all, I’d like to say that I’m no love expert, and there’s no written tutorial on how to love someone correctly. But we still can learn to unlearn some traits that may harm our relationships in the future.
1. Pay attention to your offerings of love.
Are you expecting a certain reaction?
2. Learn to accept and value influence.
Wholehearted loving means that we believe our partner, child, friend, or parent.
3. Be transparent.
Let people know what you expect.
4. Learn to listen.
Being a good listener is a lot more than “hearing”. Listening is when you intentionally put your attention to someone, while hearing is not.
5. Notice the dynamics of control and nip them in the bud.
When you get into tension, is there an underlying motive? Are your conflicts the result of unstated needs?
That’s pretty much what I’ve found and maybe there’s a lot more to be explored. But I think this is enough for the beginning. Well, while you read this article of mine, do you have anyone in mind?
References:
C. (2014, June 23). Ed Sheeran — Thinking Out Loud. Retrieved September 05, 2020, from https://genius.com/Ed-sheeran-thinking-out-loud-lyrics
Cuncic, A. (2019, October 25). How to Save a Relationship With Unconditional Love. Retrieved September 05, 2020, from https://www.verywellmind.com/does-unconditional-love-make-for-healthy-relationships-4165457
Earnshaw, E. (2020, February 18). Unconditional Love: How To Give It & How To Know If It’s Healthy. Retrieved September 05, 2020, from https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-4171/Unconditional-Love-How-to-Give-It-and-How-to-Know-When-Its-Real.html
