Learn to Unlearn: “I’m Not Like Other Girls.”
“woman-against-woman aggression just makes it that much easier for man-against-woman aggression to be normalized.” — antheacarns
As human beings, we basically should acknowledge that every individual is different. Even siblings that came from the same womb have a different personality, thoughts, and many other differences.
But let’s just talk about women for now. There are a lot of differences within every woman, and those differences shouldn’t make us as a woman to feel less superior or more inferior than the others. We shouldn’t make segmentation of how women are categorized. On the other hand, some of us subconsciously do this from woman to woman, even to ourselves.
This phenomenon is called Internalized Misogyny, and it’s different from feminism.
Misogyny is the law enforcement branch of patriarchy and social systems or environments where girls and women face hostility and hatred because they’re women in a man’s world — historical patriarchy (Kate Manne). Misogyny could be manifested by sexual discrimination, violence, or sexual objectification towards women. A misogynist could be a man or a woman, even though most of the misogynists are men.
However, internalized misogyny is a situation where women project sexist ideas by doubting, mistrusting, police the behavior of, and attempting to minimize other women and even themselves. We may find it difficult to identify internalized misogyny behavior. It starts with how we should be conscious of our thoughts and idea of a woman and most importantly about ourselves.
We all are aware that women are being degraded explicitly or implicitly in our daily lives, sometimes it merely happens just because of who they are, especially in the media. There’s a lot of sayings like women are weak, no capacity for intellectual pursuits or leadership, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Society indirectly triggers people to have this stereotype about women, which tells us how we ‘should’ have certain qualities, to do this or not to do that as a woman.
All these stereotypes are somehow forcing women to believe what society is telling them: how they should play their assigned role to a certain level. At the end of the day, women should collude with sexism to perform the ‘standardized’ role that had been set up by society.
This ‘standardized’ role or idea of women tend to imply the ideal definition of women — wearing makeups, being fashionable, or feminine, until it reaches a point where a woman whom wearing makeups, being fashionable and feminine would seem like Other Girls and it triggers other women who don’t apply the society’s ‘standards’ to feel either superior or inferior.
How is it Superior? And how is it Inferior?
As I stated before, internalized misogyny works both ways: either woman does this to other women or themselves. Some women may feel superior when they see another woman and thought she is less ‘pretty’ than them or they may feel inferior seeing a woman that’s prettier than them: they thought she is close enough to the ‘society standard’ that they start to degrade themselves.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing counter-culture. It’s good to be aware of and tell ourselves that “I’m gonna grow up as who I want to be, not as the society tells me to be.” — in fact, that’s amazing.
The thing is, when some women start to exclude themselves from this society’s ‘women standard’, which this women standard implies the idea of Other Girls — they take pride in being ‘different’ from Other Girls, so they tend to look down on these Other Girls and start to degrade or even drag them down because these women think Other Girls are way too basic since they match the society standards. In short, some of these women consciously or subconsciously oppress the Other Girls simply because they thought the Other Girls is different from them, or at least different from their idea of being a woman.
I used to be like this, though. When I was in high school, I always asked this question to myself when I see some of my friends wear lipgloss or those lip products when they’re at school. Because I thought it’s cooler to only wear make-ups when there’s a special event. I realized that I can relate a lot to the You Belong With Me song by Taylor Swift back then when I was younger — as the nerd absolutely.
It drove me to think that the woman figure with make-ups, popularity, and most importantly a cheerleader status is mean and fit the Other Girls. While the nerd, good taste of song and great jokes figure of a woman is better than the Other Girls (despite all of this, Taylor Swift is a good singer and I love her). I also degrade myself a lot when I see other girls, or when I tell myself I should loosen up a bit when I’m being aggressive while in reality, I’m just trying to be assertive. I find that I also internalized myself a lot.
There’s also this “you’re not like other girls” situation: it builds circumstances where women would think there are a right way and a bad way to be a woman. It implies a situation where the Other Girls is the bad way of becoming a woman.
External appearance definitely makes it easier for women to be judgemental of other women. It’s not a false statement that appearance could draw how someone is, but it’s just a small part of the person.
We should acknowledge and be fully aware that women can choose to dress all dark colors covering up all their skin and still be a woman, or that women choose to wear all light colors from head to toe revealing their curves and still be a decent woman.
There’s no difference between women who choose to listen to Global Top 50 Songs on Spotify or women that listen to something that’s not on the radar; they are still women the same, they just have different taste, references, favorite things, different likes, and dislikes. On top of that, all women can be whoever they want to be with any kind of things they like and their choice of lifestyle.
Be kind to yourself and be kind to other women. Empowered women empower women, right? Catch yourself when you feel inferior to other women or when you find yourself judging other women. Sometimes it’s inevitable, but you can take a step back, evaluate the situation, try to handle your thoughts, and just let yourself bloom aside from all the things that require you to be something you don’t want to be. Unlearn the negative traits for a better version of you and other women’s sake.
References
Antheacarns. (2013, October 21). Not a pretty girl, pt. 2. Retrieved July 13, 2020, from https://runonthewater.wordpress.com/2013/10/09/not-a-pretty-girl-pt-2/
Cherry, N. (2018, November 16). Internalized Misogyny: What does it look like? How do you stop it? Retrieved July 13, 2020, from https://info.umkc.edu/womenc/2018/11/16/internalized-misogyny-what-does-it-look-like-how-do-you-stop-it/
Illing, S. (2017, December 05). What we get wrong about misogyny. Retrieved July 13, 2020, from https://www.vox.com/identities/2017/12/5/16705284/elizabeth-warren-loss-2020-sexism-misogyny-kate-manne
Khusna, S. N. (2020, March 24). Internalized Misogyny, Hantu Baru Dalam Dunia Feminis. Retrieved July 13, 2020, from http://www.indikatoralor.com/2020/03/internalized-misogyny-hantu-baru-dalam.html
Ni, P. (2020, May 17). 10 Signs of Internalized Sexism and Gaslighting. Retrieved July 13, 2020, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/202005/10-signs-internalized-sexism-and-gaslighting
Weiss, S. (2015, December 18). 7 Sneaky Ways Internalized Misogyny Manifests In Our Everyday Lives. Retrieved July 13, 2020, from https://www.bustle.com/articles/130737-7-sneaky-ways-internalized-misogyny-manifests-in-our-everyday-lives
